we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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