I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
