my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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