dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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