So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
