Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize