I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
