your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
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