so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
PS: I just woke up from my shower
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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