I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
