Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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