I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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