Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
