I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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