I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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