sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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