I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
