He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
