Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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