worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
