She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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