Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
