Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
