i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
