a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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