He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
