I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
