Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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