you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
