They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
