ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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