Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Floor bacon is actually really good
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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