Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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