this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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