she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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