Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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