You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
