Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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