I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
