my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
