Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
