At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
