It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
