I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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