get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
