I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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