If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
