Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
