did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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