went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
