I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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