you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
