Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize