We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize