ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
