The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
