What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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