Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
